Some time ago I was diagnosed with Cyclothymia (later on by another psychiatrist it was Bipolar II, but I prefer the former).
I did a lot of research on both medical and spiritual areas, had a very mixed feelings on whether I should accept it or not – because by accepting, I might put myself into the danger of labeling myself thus leads to unwanted self-fulfilling prophecies.
I was looking for an explanation of my behavior. Why do I do the things I did?
I was looking for an answer, a solution, any clue at all. What should I do next?
Was it depression? Was it the ENFP me, begging for attention? Was it me being melancholic sanguine with the strong M? Or was it just me being a pathetic, emotional punk who sulked and cried just because I wasn’t invited to the party?
Different culture, different names
In plain English they called it self-hatred, some self-help books called it inner critic, a Buddhist teaching called it demons, while Malay superstition called it “kena rasuk hantu nangis“.
Which one is true, then? Later on it came to me that there is no absolute truth, because everything could be true (even the superstition). The idea existed in every field of studies and religions, with only different names. It is just a matter of languages.
I always believed that I was on that very blurry borderline between depression and being normal, which was complicated, because I couldn’t decide whether I should tackle it proactively, or just brush it off my shoulder pretending that everything is okay, that it was only in my head.
But after so many cycles of highs and lows, I eventually found my absolute truths:
1) When I feel it, I feel it. It is REAL. By the time I wake up tomorrow morning I might not feel it anymore, and feel stupid for this piece that I have written. But right now at this moment I do feel it, and I feel it deeply.
2) Whatever it is that I am experiencing, even if they haven’t got a name for it – there must be another person who was going through the same shit that I do.
So I am doing this for myself. And others who feel the same.
What is Cyclothymia?
Cyclothymic disorder is a mild form of bipolar disorder (manic depressive illness) in which a person has mood swings over a period of years that go from mild depression to euphoria and excitement. (source)
That is to say that I feel intensely. My life is an emotional chaos of highs and lows cycling rapidly, with a few normal moments in between. This phases have been reoccurring since (as far as I can remember) college.
When I am manic I have little shame, I am a rock star, I talk non-stop until I feel dizzy. When I am depressed I isolate myself, I feel lonely, I cry until my head hurts like I am being squished by two giant golf balls. Usually the breakdown is triggered by a cause, but there are some times, especially on weekends, where I would turn mute and cried myself to sleep for no particular reason.
I know, I understand, but I can’t help it
Most of the time when the trigger occurs, I will be fully aware of what I am feeling.
I would reason with myself logically on how I shouldn’t feel that way, and what state of mind, which positive outlook should I put myself into. But all of them would be of no use because at the end I would just snap. My feeling would won over my thinking.
It feels like laying on the railways station with the train coming. I know that the right thing to do is get up and save my puny ass, but I just couldn’t.
Two wolves
During the thinking process, there would be two voices inside of my head. It might have been an infinite number of voices actually, but for sure they would be continuously bickering against each other. Their conversations goes like this:
Ally: You have no rights to feel that way.
Bernie: Nah, you are just saying that to make yourself look like the victim here. As if you are the poor little hopeless man…
Ally: No, YOU are saying that to make yourself look like the good guy. Oh, pure innocent soul…
The bickering goes on and on until I would just snap. Or, an image of a thing that I dislike (tied closely to my feeling) would randomly appear and I would just snap.
Snap (not the game)
Snap causes self-harm. The most primitive and automatic form of self-harm is banging myself in the head using whatever tools I posses in my hand, be it my fist or my phone.
Why physical self-harm? Because the emotional pain is unbearable. Physical self-harm is actually a savior, it replaces the emotional pain even just for a mere second. Do take note that the act is often automatic and not at all intended (at least in its most primitive form).
A not so unintentional (but could turn out to be so if done too often) form of self-harm is slashing/cutting. I actually picked it up from reading blogs about other depressed youths (I was desperately looking for help, anything that I could find or at least, relate to). But hey, a few scars on the arm is better than a permanent brain damage. And phones aren’t cheap either.
Withdrawal
This is something new to me. Recently a breakdown happened, but I really didn’t want to snap. So I tried hard not to think because I know it would be useless and only leads to the two wolves. But the mind is a noisy place, so I slept it off. It went on for days. I locked myself inside the room, depriving myself even from drink and food.
I thought I was doing the right thing, but turned out that withdrawal is just another form of overreaction. Instead of exploding, I imploded.
What works
During the tough times, I tried a countless things, talked to countless people, read countless articles. I went to see psychiatrists, psychologist, and a counselor. I took medications, did dish-washing therapy, joined a Toastmasters club, hell, even bought a hypnosis audio CD (costed me a hundred and some, damn it).
A few things that worked:
1) Talking to people – I appreciated their input and jotted them down in my book. But all the more important is, that I am listened to. Often just by letting it out, I feel so much better. The mood even changed completely for days.
2) Think in a controlled environment – Back in college I ran a lot. It cleared the mind and kept the body fit too. It provided an isolated and open space for me to step back and take a look on a bigger picture. Nowadays I seldom run, but I got the similar opportunities in train rides. Sometimes I teared in the train but all was in a controlled manner.
3) This too, shall pass – Time will heal. Have faith.
And you can join our Toasmasters Club too! It is in Bukit Bintang and we all are a very friendly bunch.
What you can do as a friend / family members
Be there. Even if you disagree, even if you can’t relate, just be there. Don’t go away. I don’t want to be alone, I can’t be alone. So please, stay.
I have so much love to give
When I’m hurt, I feel extreme pain. But I also feel love more than any other person. If the package could only come with both of them, I am willing to pay the price.
Most of the time though, it is alright for me to be ‘just there’. Not too high, not too low, but ‘just there’. Not boredom nor malaise, but contentment.
We don’t even have to talk. We can just sit here, being with each other, having this silent conversation.
Just, here.
