God (or the universe, whichever you fancy) is fair. This I believe.
Every person is given a set of recurring struggles that they have to overcome. They may reappear throughout different stages in life, yet they are always the same. He never gives you more than you can handle.
To be aware of these struggles is the first step. More importantly, is to ask enough questions to find out what are the Core Issues. What makes you feel the way you do?
Once you have this Core Issue, you can turn it into something empowering. Please stay with me, as this is where I go very personal, exposing myself naked.
As a child, I have always been a crybaby. A by-product of being the youngest and only son for too long. Of being tiny, nerdy, and shunned by the archetypal boys club. Most of my time were alone, and most of them were spent inside my head.
I am not embarrassed by crying, even in my adult years. If anything, I take pride on being emotionally in-touch. Beautiful thing makes me cry. I cried for my newborn nephew, I cried the first time I set my foot in Japan. I even cried reading an IMDB review that manage to articulate something I couldn’t.
For me, the most beautiful thing is found in human relationship. Just stumbling upon an acquaintance is enough to make my day, no kidding. I have built deep and strong connection with many individuals, sharing the most of our hearts and soul. There is nothing more a heart could ever desire. I have my love tank filled.
Yet, the very same thing that makes me, breaks me. Every fall out in relationship is a huge blow. I couldn’t work, couldn’t function. I ruminate, not about that particular fall out anymore, but about my entire life stories. I am that 5 years-old boy again. Unwanted, unworthy, unloved.
This is where it hits me. If I ask myself enough questions on why I feel sad, it always ends up wit the same answer. Why do I invest so much in human connection? Why do I keep making list such as My Own 7 Deadly Sins, and loathing myself because of it?
All these are because I was trying as hard as I could, to keep myself away from that one feeling I fear the most: being unlovable.
All these while, I battled these struggles with the thought that I should love unconditionally. But that’s not being kind to myself. I gave it all to my friends. I deserve the same, from me.
So here I am, telling myself that – I can be loved. What if this one friendship doesn’t work out, would that make me unlovable? No, I can be loved. What if I feel angry, envious, and possessive again, would that make unlovable? No, I can be loved.
I don’t know if this new belief would work, really. But the long winter months are already here, and I got to prepare myself. The cold, deep, dark nights might make me shatter, but hell yea I’ll come out stronger.
‘Core Issue’ is just a jargon taught by my therapist, you could call it what you want. The essence is the same. If you have this huge demon in front of you that you don’t know how to deal with, it helps to identify it piece by piece. For every persona and character that you identify, the demon dissolves little by little, until what’s left of that it is actually yourself. The 5 year-old you. And he’s not a demon after all, just a child figuring his way into the world. Give him a hug, would you.
Also, it might help seeing a therapist, probably the best thing you could have ever done. Not because of the therapy itself, but the act to know yourself more.
“…why I am writing this book. To think. To understand. It just happens to be the way I’m made. I have to write things down to feel I fully comprehend them.” – Murakami, Norwegian Wood.