I’m just not an apps enthusiast anymore. My desktop applications setup haven’t changed much since the past few years – Chrome, Launchy, VLC, etc. My RM2000 computer is mainly just an Internet browsing machine that can also watch movies and play Portal.

Even my browsing history is as deserted as Texas. I have never been to Texas, but every time someone mention Texas I imagine a long stretch of roads with really few gas stations every few hundreds miles. Perfect setting for a zombie apocalypse film. So back to my browsing history, it is mostly made up of Facebook, GMail, and Hacker News. The reason I read Hacker News in the first place was because I have its mobile app on my Android, which is also the only mobile app I’m using besides Instagram.

I lost interest in a lot of things about technology. Mostly now I only want to write about love, friendship, and the divine search for the purpose of living. No really, I just have lost the enthusiasm that used to drive me.

I still love to tinker though.

I made an impromptu decision to go back to Pahang some weekends ago, and both of my elder sisters jumped on board. So we had the whole family together! And it was for a regular lazy Sunday for a change, instead of rushing to a wedding or visiting relatives. Just our own private time.

The other day at the office, we had a baby shower for two of our staffs. It was just a small, humble party held in the meeting room. It was also the one with the most fun of all parties I’ve attended. My colleagues, especially the guys, were just extremely hilarious. Humour is really important for me, and I greatly appreciate it.

Met a lot of my friends too, as always. Had dinner with Azimah, watched a play that Celine was involved in, Bersih 3.0 with Xin Xin, short tea break with momma Audra, went for a movie with Nguyen and the guys, lunch with Syakirin, dinner with Melanie (love!), and to end the week with a perfect note, long and random conversation session with Marianne and Kester.

I even receive kindness from strangers, especially staffs at Starbucks and Old Town.

Thanks to You, my love. For this abundance of love. I am surrounded by so much kindness, and I promise I will try to give back as much.

Nama Allah hadir dalam setiap perbualan kecil, dalam setiap kata-kata bersahaja. Tidak kiralah kamu ini kuat agama ataupun tidak. Penyanyi yang kainnya terbelah hingga ke peha boleh naik ke pentas untuk menerima anugerahn dan berucap di hadapan ribuan penonton, “Syukur Alhamdulillah”. Tiada prejudis di sini, saya hanya melakarkan realiti.

Kemudian, Bahasa Inggeris terjadi. Saya sangat kagum. Saya lihat kemungkinan yang saya tidak pernah tahu wujud sebelum ini. Yang hidup ini sangat luas, bukan sekadar kahwin awal dan dapat kerja bayar banyak. Bagaikan saya telah ditarik dari  bilik saya yang kecil dan selesa, ke dunia luar yang infiniti.

Apa yang paling memberi inspirasi adalah, dalam budaya Bahasa Inggeris, datangya keterbukaan. Keterbukaan untuk melahirkan apa yang kita betul-betul fikir, apa yang kita betul-betul rasa. Dengan penuh ikhlas, dengan penuh jujur.

Ia memerlukan keberanian untuk saya katakan pada Michelle, “I have to be honest with you…” lama dahulu. Namun bila ianya selesai, saya rasa sangat lega. Bagaikan dalam filem orang putih, kan? Tapi ia betul-betul terjadi! Lantas sejak hari itu saya berlaku lebih jujur pada semua kawan-kawan saya yang berbahasa Inggeris. Dengan keterbukaan ini, hubungan yang lebih erat dijalinkan, jauh lebih erat daripada mana-mana kawan lama saya yang berbahasa Melayu.

Namun dalam budaya Bahasa Inggeris juga, saya rindukan sesuatu yang hilang. Nama tuhan. Dalam budaya dan bahasa Barat moden, dalam buku dan artikel, keutamaan diberikan kepada diri. Kunjunglah Borders atau MPH dan kamu akan lihat rak-rak yang dilabel “Self Improvement”. Kepercayaan kepada diri sendiri, saya boleh lakukan, saya percaya, saya yakin. Saya, saya, saya.

Bagi manusia yang tiada Tuhan (sekali lagi, tiada prejudis di sini), dia meletakkan seluruh tanggungjawab ke atas dirinya sendiri. Jika dia berjaya, segalanya hasil titik peluh sendiri. Namun jika dia gagal, segalanya juga hasil kesilapan sendiri. Bila dia gembira tidak mengapa. Namun bila dia sedih, dia cuba menyelesaikannya dengan logik dan rasional. Dia boleh jadi gila.

Senangnya bila bertuhan. Harapan dan amarah, semuanya diletakkan keatas-Nya.

Saya sangat sayangkan Bahasa Melayu, sebagaimana saya cintakan Bahasa Inggeris juga. Tapi tak kiralah bahasa apapun keluar dari mulut saya yang tidak terlalu banyak cakap ini, saya harap banyak jugalah keluar nama Allah.

Plans and promises

There is one kind of people, when making promises, they try to keep their options open. At the last minute, they will choose the one they like the most and cancel the rest.

There is another kind of people, who never really plan and just say yes to everyone. Then they ended up being double-booked, and will be forced to cancel one or the other.

A promise.

Carries much more weight than just a mark on your calendar. When you make a promise with someone, he will have to schedule his day accordingly, he might even have to halt other activities to be able to meet you. If you really have to cancel for solid reasons, tell him early.

There is one simple rule when it comes to managing expectations: the first promise comes first. Even if you like her much more than the other person, you got to honor the initial promise you’ve made with the other person.

Putting others first

Put others first, think of what benefits them; then decision will be easier to made, more comforting to accept. Remember when we talked about loving everyone? This is part of it. Think of what’s best for everyone else. I’m not telling you to put yourself into martyrdom (which is tricky to spell), or to expect good karma coming back to you in any way. Just do it for the gift of giving. To be able to give, is a blessing.

We are fine the way we are

You wish you were more mature, you wish you wouldn’t have to be bothered by childish and sentimental matters, you wish you could be more like him or her that you admire.

You are fine, the way you are. And I love you, as the whole person.

Whenever I encounter a difficult person, I’ll try my best to have empathy. It might have been the way they were raised. It might have been a one-time tragedy. Whatever happened during their course of life, it has shaped who they are right now. So they do what they do the only way they know how.

Then when I see an amazing person, I also would like to know about their background. Have they always been that way? Is there any particular event that has caused some sort of paradigm shift? Was it a conscious effort all along?

What is most inspiring is when I meet a person that has gone through dark and difficult days, yet still turns out to be a good person. Despite all the odds, it doesn’t break them, it makes them stronger.

I have been told about terrible childhood stories. A mother who told her daughter that she wasn’t pretty enough, a mother who asked for payments for whatever food she provided, another mother who didn’t acknowledge her daughter in public because she was embarrassed (I happened to only hear stories about mothers, probably because I have more female friends, or my few guys friends just don’t want to talk about it even if it happened).

How could a mother say such words to her child? To a vulnerable child?

Then the discussion comes to myself, about me. Why do I do the things I do, why do I behave the way I behave. It is of the most mysterious and unexplainable. I have no drama in my life, good people are all around. Non of my siblings acts like me. Then why so much pains and tears? Why so fragile? The only clue that I have is my mother, who could be as fragile as I am. But I am not sure if I should ask.

A lot of guilt within, every time. There are real calamities out there. Wars, famine, diseases. Family disintegration, obesity, cancer. Then what’s that makes me? A white guy’s whine, first world problems?

Empathy. I wonder if one can try to feel it, on oneself.