I’m just not an apps enthusiast anymore. My desktop applications setup haven’t changed much since the past few years – Chrome, Launchy, VLC, etc. My RM2000 computer is mainly just an Internet browsing machine that can also watch movies and play Portal.

Even my browsing history is as deserted as Texas. I have never been to Texas, but every time someone mention Texas I imagine a long stretch of roads with really few gas stations every few hundreds miles. Perfect setting for a zombie apocalypse film. So back to my browsing history, it is mostly made up of Facebook, GMail, and Hacker News. The reason I read Hacker News in the first place was because I have its mobile app on my Android, which is also the only mobile app I’m using besides Instagram.

I lost interest in a lot of things about technology. Mostly now I only want to write about love, friendship, and the divine search for the purpose of living. No really, I just have lost the enthusiasm that used to drive me.

I still love to tinker though.

I made an impromptu decision to go back to Pahang some weekends ago, and both of my elder sisters jumped on board. So we had the whole family together! And it was for a regular lazy Sunday for a change, instead of rushing to a wedding or visiting relatives. Just our own private time.

The other day at the office, we had a baby shower for two of our staffs. It was just a small, humble party held in the meeting room. It was also the one with the most fun of all parties I’ve attended. My colleagues, especially the guys, were just extremely hilarious. Humour is really important for me, and I greatly appreciate it.

Met a lot of my friends too, as always. Had dinner with Azimah, watched a play that Celine was involved in, Bersih 3.0 with Xin Xin, short tea break with momma Audra, went for a movie with Nguyen and the guys, lunch with Syakirin, dinner with Melanie (love!), and to end the week with a perfect note, long and random conversation session with Marianne and Kester.

I even receive kindness from strangers, especially staffs at Starbucks and Old Town.

Thanks to You, my love. For this abundance of love. I am surrounded by so much kindness, and I promise I will try to give back as much.

Nama Allah hadir dalam setiap perbualan kecil, dalam setiap kata-kata bersahaja. Tidak kiralah kamu ini kuat agama ataupun tidak. Penyanyi yang kainnya terbelah hingga ke peha boleh naik ke pentas untuk menerima anugerahn dan berucap di hadapan ribuan penonton, “Syukur Alhamdulillah”. Tiada prejudis di sini, saya hanya melakarkan realiti.

Kemudian, Bahasa Inggeris terjadi. Saya sangat kagum. Saya lihat kemungkinan yang saya tidak pernah tahu wujud sebelum ini. Yang hidup ini sangat luas, bukan sekadar kahwin awal dan dapat kerja bayar banyak. Bagaikan saya telah ditarik dari  bilik saya yang kecil dan selesa, ke dunia luar yang infiniti.

Apa yang paling memberi inspirasi adalah, dalam budaya Bahasa Inggeris, datangya keterbukaan. Keterbukaan untuk melahirkan apa yang kita betul-betul fikir, apa yang kita betul-betul rasa. Dengan penuh ikhlas, dengan penuh jujur.

Ia memerlukan keberanian untuk saya katakan pada Michelle, “I have to be honest with you…” lama dahulu. Namun bila ianya selesai, saya rasa sangat lega. Bagaikan dalam filem orang putih, kan? Tapi ia betul-betul terjadi! Lantas sejak hari itu saya berlaku lebih jujur pada semua kawan-kawan saya yang berbahasa Inggeris. Dengan keterbukaan ini, hubungan yang lebih erat dijalinkan, jauh lebih erat daripada mana-mana kawan lama saya yang berbahasa Melayu.

Namun dalam budaya Bahasa Inggeris juga, saya rindukan sesuatu yang hilang. Nama tuhan. Dalam budaya dan bahasa Barat moden, dalam buku dan artikel, keutamaan diberikan kepada diri. Kunjunglah Borders atau MPH dan kamu akan lihat rak-rak yang dilabel “Self Improvement”. Kepercayaan kepada diri sendiri, saya boleh lakukan, saya percaya, saya yakin. Saya, saya, saya.

Bagi manusia yang tiada Tuhan (sekali lagi, tiada prejudis di sini), dia meletakkan seluruh tanggungjawab ke atas dirinya sendiri. Jika dia berjaya, segalanya hasil titik peluh sendiri. Namun jika dia gagal, segalanya juga hasil kesilapan sendiri. Bila dia gembira tidak mengapa. Namun bila dia sedih, dia cuba menyelesaikannya dengan logik dan rasional. Dia boleh jadi gila.

Senangnya bila bertuhan. Harapan dan amarah, semuanya diletakkan keatas-Nya.

Saya sangat sayangkan Bahasa Melayu, sebagaimana saya cintakan Bahasa Inggeris juga. Tapi tak kiralah bahasa apapun keluar dari mulut saya yang tidak terlalu banyak cakap ini, saya harap banyak jugalah keluar nama Allah.

Plans and promises

There is one kind of people, when making promises, they try to keep their options open. At the last minute, they will choose the one they like the most and cancel the rest.

There is another kind of people, who never really plan and just say yes to everyone. Then they ended up being double-booked, and will be forced to cancel one or the other.

A promise.

Carries much more weight than just a mark on your calendar. When you make a promise with someone, he will have to schedule his day accordingly, he might even have to halt other activities to be able to meet you. If you really have to cancel for solid reasons, tell him early.

There is one simple rule when it comes to managing expectations: the first promise comes first. Even if you like her much more than the other person, you got to honor the initial promise you’ve made with the other person.

Putting others first

Put others first, think of what benefits them; then decision will be easier to made, more comforting to accept. Remember when we talked about loving everyone? This is part of it. Think of what’s best for everyone else. I’m not telling you to put yourself into martyrdom (which is tricky to spell), or to expect good karma coming back to you in any way. Just do it for the gift of giving. To be able to give, is a blessing.

We are fine the way we are

You wish you were more mature, you wish you wouldn’t have to be bothered by childish and sentimental matters, you wish you could be more like him or her that you admire.

You are fine, the way you are. And I love you, as the whole person.

I wanted to tell myself that I am independent. I can stand with my own two feet. People might eventually leave you, and by that time you will only have yourself.

Because I don’t want to be hurt every time I feel isolated, every time I feel left out by my friends’ plans. Because I don’t want to feel sad thinking that Michelle or Joanne doesn’t care as much. They got their own partners and priorities, that I am no more than a tiny speck of dust in their life (I don’t even want to think about how I am less important to them, because that will just break me).

I feel that it is unfair that I don’t have that special, focused intimacy that they have. (God, I actually just realized this as I write.)

But then why do we always have to take things to the extreme? As much as we celebrate independence and individuality, we also can’t deny that community exist, and community will always be there. There is a lot of good people around, and that collective power of goodness is as strong as an one-on-one intimacy, if not more.

During the past weeks I have been seeing friends that I loved the most. Cindy, she was ever so beautiful. Melanie, I feel loved whenever she’s around. Joanne, I missed her more than anyone. Nguyen, he has a better sense of fashion now, but that hair could do more work. And Michelle. Always Michelle.

I believe that I will find my special loved one too, God willing. But until then, my life is already complete. I have around me an abundance of intimacies, sharing, and connection. There are so much to enjoy and appreciate, this human relationship. I am blessed, content, and grateful.

Perhaps one day I will be able to love unconditionally. Without fear or apprehension, without judgement or expectation. Love with compassion. Love, for the sake of love.