Dead like the sunflower I took back from Cameron Highlands last year, it couldn’t take KL heat. It was my first flower too.

I’m just not an apps enthusiast anymore. My desktop applications setup haven’t changed much since the past few years – Chrome, Launchy, VLC, etc. My RM2000 computer is mainly just an Internet browsing machine that can also watch movies and play Portal.

Even my browsing history is as deserted as Texas. I have never been to Texas, but every time someone mention Texas I imagine a long stretch of roads with really few gas stations every few hundreds miles. Perfect setting for a zombie apocalypse film. So back to my browsing history, it is mostly made up of Facebook, GMail, and Hacker News. The reason I read Hacker News in the first place was because I have its mobile app on my Android, which is also the only mobile app I’m using besides Instagram.

I lost interest in a lot of things about technology. Mostly now I only want to write about love, friendship, and the divine search for the purpose of living. No really, I just have lost the enthusiasm that used to drive me.

I still love to tinker though.

Here’s a short gratitude post, `cause I want to be reminded of all the good things in my life.

I made an impromptu decision to go back to Pahang some weekends ago, and both of my elder sisters jumped on board. So we had the whole family together! And it was for a regular lazy Sunday for a change, instead of rushing to a wedding or visiting relatives. Just our own private time.

The other day at the office, we had a baby shower for two of our staffs. It was just a small, humble party held in the meeting room. It was also the one with the most fun of all parties I’ve attended. My colleagues, especially the guys, were just extremely hilarious. Humour is really important for me, and I greatly appreciate it.

Met a lot of my friends too, as always. Had dinner with Azimah, watched a play that Celine was involved in, Bersih 3.0 with Xin Xin, short tea break with momma Audra, went for a movie with Nguyen and the guys, lunch with Syakirin, dinner with Melanie (love!), and to end the week with a perfect note, long and random conversation session with Marianne and Kester.

I even receive kindness from strangers, especially staffs at Starbucks and Old Town.

Thanks to You, my love. For this abundance of love. I am surrounded by so much kindness, and I promise I will try to give back as much.

Selama dua dekad yang pertamanya saya duduk di bumi ini, saya hanya bercakap dalam Bahasa Melayu. Waktu itu hidup lebih ringkas, apa yang perlu saya capai hanyalah kahwin awal dan dapatkan kejayaan dunia dan akhirat. Di dunia  saya kena ada kerja yang bagus dan bayar banyak. Di akhirat saya kena masuk syurga. Itu sahaja.

Nama Allah hadir dalam setiap perbualan kecil, dalam setiap kata-kata bersahaja. Tidak kiralah kamu ini kuat agama ataupun tidak. Penyanyi yang kainnya terbelah hingga ke peha boleh naik ke pentas untuk menerima anugerahn dan berucap di hadapan ribuan penonton, “Syukur Alhamdulillah”. Tiada prejudis di sini, saya hanya melakarkan realiti.

Kemudian, Bahasa Inggeris terjadi. Saya sangat kagum. Saya lihat kemungkinan yang saya tidak pernah tahu wujud sebelum ini. Yang hidup ini sangat luas, bukan sekadar kahwin awal dan dapat kerja bayar banyak. Bagaikan saya telah ditarik dari  bilik saya yang kecil dan selesa, ke dunia luar yang infiniti.

Apa yang paling memberi inspirasi adalah, dalam budaya Bahasa Inggeris, datangya keterbukaan. Keterbukaan untuk melahirkan apa yang kita betul-betul fikir, apa yang kita betul-betul rasa. Dengan penuh ikhlas, dengan penuh jujur.

Ia memerlukan keberanian untuk saya katakan pada Michelle, “I have to be honest with you…” lama dahulu. Namun bila ianya selesai, saya rasa sangat lega. Bagaikan dalam filem orang putih, kan? Tapi ia betul-betul terjadi! Lantas sejak hari itu saya berlaku lebih jujur pada semua kawan-kawan saya yang berbahasa Inggeris. Dengan keterbukaan ini, hubungan yang lebih erat dijalinkan, jauh lebih erat daripada mana-mana kawan lama saya yang berbahasa Melayu.

Namun dalam budaya Bahasa Inggeris juga, saya rindukan sesuatu yang hilang. Nama tuhan. Dalam budaya dan bahasa Barat moden, dalam buku dan artikel, keutamaan diberikan kepada diri. Kunjunglah Borders atau MPH dan kamu akan lihat rak-rak yang dilabel “Self Improvement”. Kepercayaan kepada diri sendiri, saya boleh lakukan, saya percaya, saya yakin. Saya, saya, saya.

Bagi manusia yang tiada Tuhan (sekali lagi, tiada prejudis di sini), dia meletakkan seluruh tanggungjawab ke atas dirinya sendiri. Jika dia berjaya, segalanya hasil titik peluh sendiri. Namun jika dia gagal, segalanya juga hasil kesilapan sendiri. Bila dia gembira tidak mengapa. Namun bila dia sedih, dia cuba menyelesaikannya dengan logik dan rasional. Dia boleh jadi gila.

Senangnya bila bertuhan. Harapan dan amarah, semuanya diletakkan keatas-Nya.

Saya sangat sayangkan Bahasa Melayu, sebagaimana saya cintakan Bahasa Inggeris juga. Tapi tak kiralah bahasa apapun keluar dari mulut saya yang tidak terlalu banyak cakap ini, saya harap banyak jugalah keluar nama Allah.

There is something different about tonight. There are few matters that could have made me sad, but I am not. So it is true then, the two-moths cycle? If it is, May and June are going to be a good time, and I’ll make the best of them.

Plans and promises

There is one kind of people, when making promises, they try to keep their options open. At the last minute, they will choose the one they like the most and cancel the rest.

There is another kind of people, who never really plan and just say yes to everyone. Then they ended up being double-booked, and will be forced to cancel one or the other.

A promise.

Carries much more weight than just a mark on your calendar. When you make a promise with someone, he will have to schedule his day accordingly, he might even have to halt other activities to be able to meet you. If you really have to cancel for solid reasons, tell him early.

There is one simple rule when it comes to managing expectations: the first promise comes first. Even if you like her much more than the other person, you got to honor the initial promise you’ve made with the other person.

Putting others first

Put others first, think of what benefits them; then decision will be easier to made, more comforting to accept. Remember when we talked about loving everyone? This is part of it. Think of what’s best for everyone else. I’m not telling you to put yourself into martyrdom (which is tricky to spell), or to expect good karma coming back to you in any way. Just do it for the gift of giving. To be able to give, is a blessing.

We are fine the way we are

You wish you were more mature, you wish you wouldn’t have to be bothered by childish and sentimental matters, you wish you could be more like him or her that you admire.

You are fine, the way you are. And I love you, as the whole person.

I wanted to tell myself that I am fine being all by my own. Having some ‘me time’. Away from others.

I wanted to tell myself that I am independent. I can stand with my own two feet. People might eventually leave you, and by that time you will only have yourself.

Because I don’t want to be hurt every time I feel isolated, every time I feel left out by my friends’ plans. Because I don’t want to feel sad thinking that Michelle or Joanne doesn’t care as much. They got their own partners and priorities, that I am no more than a tiny speck of dust in their life (I don’t even want to think about how I am less important to them, because that will just break me).

I feel that it is unfair that I don’t have that special, focused intimacy that they have. (God, I actually just realized this as I write.)

But then why do we always have to take things to the extreme? As much as we celebrate independence and individuality, we also can’t deny that community exist, and community will always be there. There is a lot of good people around, and that collective power of goodness is as strong as an one-on-one intimacy, if not more.

During the past weeks I have been seeing friends that I loved the most. Cindy, she was ever so beautiful. Melanie, I feel loved whenever she’s around. Joanne, I missed her more than anyone. Nguyen, he has a better sense of fashion now, but that hair could do more work. And Michelle. Always Michelle.

I believe that I will find my special loved one too, God willing. But until then, my life is already complete. I have around me an abundance of intimacies, sharing, and connection. There are so much to enjoy and appreciate, this human relationship. I am blessed, content, and grateful.

Perhaps one day I will be able to love unconditionally. Without fear or apprehension, without judgement or expectation. Love with compassion. Love, for the sake of love.

Love should be unconditional, she said.
Love shouldn’t have to be reciprocated, she said.

If there is only one advice from her that I could keep, let it be this one.

How are you?

I never really know how to answer this question. Sure I can say good or fine, then I’ll ask back how are you and you’ll answer good or fine. The conversation stops and one of us has to initiate another cliche, boring, obligatory question such as how is work, or, if we haven’t met for quite a while, are you still in the same place.

I’m not against small talk, I believe that it is a good tool that can lead to more meaningful conversation, and sometimes, people genuinely wanted to know how are you doing. I just don’t want to be boring. Good and fine are boring. I am not. So I’ll say, I’m okay, my left knee was injured from a run because I didn’t warm up enough with my friend. Or I’ll say, I’m feeling a little bit sad actually, but my sister is prepping for her wedding so that’s something to look forward to. I want to tell you real stories, because I really appreciate you for asking how am I.

You can do the same, I mean it. Tell me what you have been up to lately. Same old, same old? Just work and sleep? Come on, sure there is more than that. What was the last film you have watched? We can talk about it. Wrath of the Titans sucked? I agree. Oh you went to that Jacky Cheung concert? That must have been fun! I don’t understand Chinese and won’t be able to give any feedback on Jacky Cheung, but it doesn’t matter, just go on and tell me. I wanted to listen.

We went to an obligatory company trip recently, and I just happen to sit across the husband of my colleague. So we exchanged the obligatory greetings, get-to-know-yous and work description. Somehow he seemed excited talking about his work and went on and on about how the money is good, the work are a plenty, the life is nonexistent. And some other stuff about what he actually do. Then my colleague asked if I am really interested in the conversation. I wasn’t, but that wasn’t important because I just wanted to listen. If it matters to him, I will.

Most of the time though, I prefer not to talk about work. I’m fine listening to others, but not so talking about mine. Hey I like my job, it’s easy, managable, and pays handsomely. But that is as much as I can tell you about. Besides, we’ve been slaving our arse 8 hours for a paycheck, now we are continuing it for free? Tell you what, we are not our jobs. Our self-worth doesn’t depend entirely on what we do during the one-third period of the day. I have a better idea, let’s talk about the Kardashians! No, I’m kidding. Ha, you’re funny. I like you.

I had lunch recently with this girl I never really talked to before. She was beautiful. So we met, we exchanged the obligatory greetings and how-is-works. But I tried to steer away. I talked about idle stuff, like how this building is a great place to watch plays, and how I have always wanted to see one. She reciprocated, and she told me that she did watch a comedy show. She never watched any before, but that one that she did, she liked it very much. Then she told me about what she wanted to do later in life, her dreams that she wasn’t sure of, and how she doesn’t really prefer to be in the limelight. And she was glad. She was glad that we didn’t talk much about work.

Listening is as much fun as talking. It can be more fun, but harder to do. Sometimes I just stare into your eyes, smiling, concentrating to every words that you say. We’ll have a great time just sitting here in this coffee shop, no need to go far. No need to go to a bar, or a club with LFMAO music. Just here, in this humble coffee shop.

So tell me, my dear friend, how are you?

O Allah,

I want to get back to You. All this while I knew all along that if I want to get well, the first thing I got to do is turn to You. But it wasn’t easy. It requires strength to even face You, and I was so weak.

So I did a lot of other things. I searched for ways to express, I distracted myself with fun activities, I seeked professional help. They helped, but never enough. Along the journey, I had always feel guilty thinking that if only I could turn back to You, then everything would be all right. You are all that I need, not some medical jargons invented by godless scientist to accomodate godless people. I was wrong.

Now I believe, that I need both. Actually, it is not even separate. By accepting that I have Bipolar disorder doesn’t mean that I am not following the Islamic teachings. You would tell me to treat it like any other illnesses. You would ask me to consult a doctor, acquire medication, and pray. Just like a fever or a cold. In my case, I’m just mentally ill, just a little bit.

God, give me strength to face You, to remember You, to always believe that You are there.

What is the meaning of life? What is the purpose of existence?

I asked that to myself almost everyday now. Everything is just meaningless. What’s the point of doing anything at all?

I wake up, I go to work, I meet my friends (meeting friends is fun), I go back home, I watch films, I go to sleep. Every single day with the same routine. What for, really?

What is your reason to get up in the morning? I have none.

I feel so lonely. Ever so lonely.

I don’t see myself as anything special. I’m not on this epic quest to build my kingdom, and you are not one of the forgettable comrades that I merely passed by to reach nirvana. Neither I am, to you.

Instead, each of us are these little dots in a very big circle full of dots. We go through different stages of life brushes off one another, transmitting a kind of energy everytime we do so.

Why do I keep meeting people? As much as I am charged up by making friends, I can’t help by wonder what’s the point of it all if they are going to leave me anyway? Especially when they got into a relationship, their priority changed tenfold. As sad as the truth is, I know that that’s actually the right thing to do, and someday I might have to do it as well to my friends. Not doing so would be unfair to my significant other.

Though I can’t really tell. I never know how if feels like to love someone much and be reciprocated. The thought is so foreign that I ended up crying because I just couldn’t imagine.

Have we become so self-absorbed? In this relentless pursuit of happiness, have we become so selfish that we put too much weight on the ‘I’? I need to be happy. I need to love myself. I need to do it not because of what others expected me to. Me, me, me.

What if I put myself in the shoes (or turban) of a pious man. God above everything else. No love for man should be put above Him. Then would I be free? Would I not be sad anymore? Yet if I haven’t go through all this journey of self, would I even be strong enough to turn to Him?

All of my technical articles have been moved to my Github blog. Yay!