I don’t see myself as anything special. I’m not on this epic quest to build my kingdom, and you are not one of the forgettable comrades that I merely passed by to reach nirvana. Neither I am, to you.
Instead, each of us are these little dots in a very big circle full of dots. We go through different stages of life brushes off one another, transmitting a kind of energy everytime we do so.
Why do I keep meeting people? As much as I am charged up by making friends, I can’t help by wonder what’s the point of it all if they are going to leave me anyway? Especially when they got into a relationship, their priority changed tenfold. As sad as the truth is, I know that that’s actually the right thing to do, and someday I might have to do it as well to my friends. Not doing so would be unfair to my significant other.
Though I can’t really tell. I never know how if feels like to love someone much and be reciprocated. The thought is so foreign that I ended up crying because I just couldn’t imagine.
Have we become so self-absorbed? In this relentless pursuit of happiness, have we become so selfish that we put too much weight on the ‘I’? I need to be happy. I need to love myself. I need to do it not because of what others expected me to. Me, me, me.
What if I put myself in the shoes (or turban) of a pious man. God above everything else. No love for man should be put above Him. Then would I be free? Would I not be sad anymore? Yet if I haven’t go through all this journey of self, would I even be strong enough to turn to Him?
All of my technical articles have been moved to my Github blog. Yay!
It doesn’t matter what I think. I don’t matter here.
Wait, I do matter. At least to myself, and myself alone (and people do care, I know). It just doesn’t matter as much of what I am thinking at the time because it might or might not be true. Regardless, it’s my current bipolar phase that’s going to eventually determine how I will react to triggers. If I’m good, I would just brush it off my sholder. If I’m not, nothing I will say will make me stop from thinking too much.
I’m in the low point of the plotted graph right now. Trying to just let go of what I’m feeling, what I want. I’ll just say it out loud in my head. No suppressing, no holding back. All dialogues happens only within myself, nothing communicated to outside parties.
While always being aware that this is just another phase that is going to pass very soon. Many more like it will come again, and I will always be ready.
Don’t give up.
It started with something really small, one thing lead to the other, and I broke down. Wrapped myself in the blanket. Felt like smashing my head with a jar of glass so I can quit thinking for a moment. Cried it to sleep.
This is crippling. I lost my attention during the day and broke down at night. Nothing get done.
Though I’m not giving up. Grateful to God that we still have day and night, for every time we wake up in the morning, we wake up with a renewal of hope.
Every now and then I find myself peering over the cyclothymia information on the web, looking for something that could help me in any way, though I am not quite sure what would that be.
Here I’ll list down the symptoms of cyclothymic disorder from Wikipedia. Most of them have been happening to me, except for the ones that are crossed out.
- difficulty making decisions
- problems concentrating
- poor memory recall
- low self-esteem
- self-destructive thinking
- constant sadness
- quick temper
- poor judgement
- lack of motivation
- social withdrawal
- lack of sexual desire
- self neglect
- extreme optimism
- inflated self-esteem
- rapid speech
- racing thoughts
- aggressive or hostile behaviour
lack of consideration for others
massively increased physical activity
- spending sprees
- increased drive to perform or achieve goals
- increased sexual drive
- decreased need for sleep
- tendency to be easily distracted
- inability to concentrate
Another thing to note: according to this, this and this – the symptoms are persistent, with no more than 2 symptoms-free months in a row. God, that is too frequent to be real, but that’s exactly what has been happening to me.